Some days my life feels empty, others chaotic and as if I never have enough time to rest. It's not cabin fever, how could it be? I just went to Salt Lake City via car, had a glorious holiday and napped aplenty. I came back empty, exhausted, and in dire need of what I think of as "responsibility triage" and lots of rest. Hard to do both, as we all know. Slowly but surely, I am making progress with OHP, SSDI, TriMet, and all the rest. With almost no money or energy at all, this is not an easy endeavor.

The more research on Lisfranc I do, the more concerned I become. Knowing that some people end up amputating blew my mind, I must admit. Like most people unfamiliar with this injury, I thought of it as much the same as any other foot injury- just a broken bone. Initially, I couldn't understand why my pain was so extreme, even though my background affords me plenty of examples for comparison. It took a few days to remember just how extreme the fusion pain of my spinal surgery was, how it affected everything about me. Pain at high levels can be both exhausting and transformative; certainly I believe it to significantly alter my thoughts. Intrusive thoughts, persistent and often unpleasant, become more frequent, and I fight those with what energy remains after managing my response to the pain. I work most diligently on giving the same weight to the good things in my life as I do these concerns, knowing from past experience that it is too easy to become completely bogged down. Nothing here is hopeless, nor am I helpless. I am not without my resources, nor my solid sense of (admittedly dark) humor.

Not the beginning.

I've been at least partially disabled since November of 2008, when I broke my T12 vertebrae and subsequently had a spinal fusion of the T10-L2. Luckily, I was able to walk and live something like a regular life, albeit always in a lot of pain and with a very restrictive lifting/weight limit. Then (and I am summing this up rather rapidly) I was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer in July of 2012 at the relatively young age of 35. I did two kinds of chemotherapy, had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction, and have been doing regular scans and labs ever since being declared 'No Evidence of Disease' on January 31st, 2013. Still trying to get back up to functional levels, I've changed a lot of my life in the last eleven months. Things have been tough, but ultimately very rewarding. Now, a new injury plants me right back on the invalid list and is prompting me to share at least some of my moods and experiences. Simply put, I had a minor bicycle accident on November 4th during which I managed to give myself a rather severe Lisfranc injury. Initially misdiagnosed as a sprain at the ER (apparently very common with this particular injury), I wasn't surprised at all when the attending called me at home later in the evening to inform me that it was actually a fracture of the intermediate cuneiform bone. I was referred to a podiatrist, who took one look at the bruising between my toes and on the arch of my foot and ordered not just CT, but also reserved the OR for the following day- in anticipation of the CT results confirming his suspicions. Surgery was uneventful, and now I have several internal screws that will be permanent and several external screws and wires that will be removed in 3-5 months, provided my recovery is on track. Due to the spinal fusion and side-effects of the mastectomy, I am not a candidate for crutches or a walker. I now zip around on a knee scooter, which isn't as awful as one might think. Unfortunately, as much as I would like to rest, I've had almost non-stop appointments. I'd already scheduled a bone scan for severe hip pain, and then this happened- tripling the appointments, and increasing my overall pain and stress. Certainly I am aware of the need for an outlet to discuss all of this, to vent- lest I become completely bogged down by my depression, anxiety, and pain. The first photograph on this post is my favorite brand of selfie- "radioactive in a hospital bathroom". I'm not radioactive anymore since that injection happened over twenty-four hours ago, although I suppose I could stand to shower. The second photograph, my bedroom at my best friend's house where I have lived since April of this year, where I will be doing most of my recovering and resting. As much as I enjoy this space, I am sure I will be mightily sick of it all too soon. It's already difficult to stay in bed, although I've had the lion's share of practice at it since 2008. Now is as good a time as any to recultivate certain interests, and thankfully I have quite a few that I can partake in while incapactitated in this way.